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Monday, July 29, 2013

'Creditanstalt' Exclusive: How the NSA's SWIFT Program Will Work

President Obama giving the green light for the NSA's new SWIFT program (photo courtesy of creative photoshopping at

The 'Creditanstalt' intelligence bureau has obtained exclusive access to the Presidential Directive recently issued by President Obama authorized the National Security Agency (NSA) to proceed at maximum speed in implementing its new SWIFT Program, the replacement for the disgraced and ineffectual PRISM Program recently outed by whistleblower Edward Snowden (see yesterday's report).

To avoid the dysenteric decision problem well known to mathematical logorrheaticians (see e.g. the classic paper by Alan Turding, "On computable flushings, with an application to the Abscheidungsproblem," Proceedings of the London Fecal Matter Society, Ser. 2, Vol. 42, 1937), the NSA intends to implement a clever branch-and-bound algorithm to zero in efficiently on target DFTs (this codeword has been variously deciphered as 'de facto troublemakers' and 'defecating terrorists' by our informants) while respecting US constitutional principles.

To simplify, NSA agents will first take samples from the top-level discharge sewers (see photos below) to determine if any subversive activity is taking place in a given municipality. While this encompasses discharges from all individuals in the region, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA) has ruled that it does not violate the constitutional prohibition on unwarranted searches, nor does it store metamatter (e.g., anal identifiers), the chief weakness of the PRISM program.

NSA specialists taking samples from the highest-order domains.

If a subversion alarm is triggered, the NSA will then sample feed-in lines to close in on the source, using the branch-and-bound algorithm to minimize expenditures while preserving effluent anonymity.

Early NSA experiments with branch-and-bound algorithms in the 1950s, like the CIA's experiments with LSD, proved misguided and had to be covered up.

Recursive application of the method will allow the NSA to zero in on the guilty party in exponential time without violating the privyacy of the general population.

Improved version of the branch-and-bound algorithm developed at Indiana University will allow the NSA to rapidly target the guilty DFT. The names of individuals in this case study have been changed to zoological classes to respect privyacy.
An advanced projects subgroup at NSA has been experimenting with video surveillance and fecal recognition software. However, it is still unclear whether the FISA court will find this consistent with the fourth amendment's constitutional requirement for public analymity.

The NSA has already begun visual acquisition experiments at various locations in the USA, even though the FISA court has not yet ruled on their constitutionality (photo courtesy of Spiegel Online).

NSA fecal recognition software still has trouble differentiating elephant dung (top) from bear scat on apple diet (below; photos courtesy of Wikipedia Commons). The NSA has refused to release its human feces archive on national security grounds.


  1. Replies
    1. Glad you liked it. Spread the word while we're still allowed to.