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Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Trump's Revelations

CIB Breaking Nightmare News--Unprecedented Trump had a path blazed through peaceful demonstrators in front of the White House on Monday to uphold his articles of faith in front of St John's Episcopal Church.

Contrary to the widespread belief that this was a Christian Bible, the Creditanstalt Intelligence Bureau has learned that this was that other book he had taken the oath of office on: Adolf Hitler's My New Order.

Unprecedented Trump brandishing an unknown book, upside-down and cover-concealed. The CIB has learned this is his personal copy of Hitler's My New Order. (Photo: BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP VIA GETTY IMAGES)

Hidden in a plain leather binding, this is Trump's personal copy of Hitler's speeches. Ivanka Trump brought it along in her $1,540 MaxMara handbag.

Attorney General William "Vyshinsky" Barr personally ordering police to clear the streets for Trump's "Bible" stunt. Scholars differ about whether a comparison with notorious Attorney General A. Mitchell Palmer or Andrey Yanuaryevich Vyshinsky is more appropriate.

Peaceful protestors being gassed by Barr's stormtroopers to clear a path for Trump's biblical pilgrimage. Evangelicals have compared this miracle to the parting of the Red Sea.
In his address at the Rose Garden, Trump threatened to deploy US troops against the unruly populace:
If a city or state refuses [to call in the National Guard] then I will deploy the United States military and quickly solve the problem for them... As we speak, I am dispatching thousands and thousands of heavily armed soldiers, military personnel, and law enforcement offices to stop the rioting, looting, vandalism assaults and the wanton destruction of property.
This is not the first time that Trump has unleashed military might against American cities. The nuclear annihilation of Rochester, NY, is still a fresh wound. The failure of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to put an end to the unconstitutional regime then has led former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mike Mullen to write on Tuesday
It sickened me yesterday to see security personnel—including members of the National Guard—forcibly and violently clear a path through Lafayette Square to accommodate the president's visit outside St. John's Church... Even in the midst of the carnage we are witnessing, we must endeavor to see American cities and towns as our homes and our neighborhoods. They are not “battle spaces” to be dominated, and must never become so... Our fellow citizens are not the enemy, and must never become so... This is not the time for stunts. This is the time for leadership.
 After the failures of the Mueller Report, the House impeachment, and the courts to bring constitutional order to the Trump regime, what is still separating us from the military imposition of the Trumpian New Order?

Ivanka Trump carrying the infamous "Bible" to the St John's stunt. Fashion critics agree that her new pandemic line is a considerable improvement on her frilly Peggy Shippen failure. This seems to be the one redeeming feature of the event. In all other respects, however, she is still living up to her role model.

Sunday, May 31, 2020

Trump's "Release the most vicious hounds" stumbles over watchdog purge

Unprecedented Trump's threat to release "the most vicious hounds" on protestors besieging the White House collapsed this morning when the Secret Service was only able to deploy a single infirm canine on the Manor's steps.

Unpresidential Donald "Mr. Burns" Trump (right) standing next to his lapdog AG William "Smithers Vyshinsky" Barr (left), who said that “Groups of outside radicals and agitators are exploiting the situation to pursue their own separate and violent agenda.”

A Secret Service spokesperson (@SecretService) said that they had told Trump that their vicious hounds kennel had been inadvertently depleted of "the young ones on the front line, sir, they love it, and good practice" during the recent purge of "deep state" watchdogs such as State Department Inspector General Steve Linick.

Saturday, February 29, 2020

The Very Stable Genius Touts His Microbe Avoiding Abilities

CIB Breaking Pandemonium News--Under attack for downplaying the threat from the incipient Covid-19 pandemic, Unprecedented Trump lashed out at Democrats for supposedly weaponizing the disease for political gain.

Trump reminded the American people of his unpresidented record in avoiding sexually transmissible diseases (STDs) during the Vietnam War.

In a 1997 interview with shock jock host Howard Stern, Trump boasted

“It’s amazing, I can’t even believe it. I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It’s like Vietnam, sort of. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider,” Trump said in the interview when Howard Stern asked how he handled making sure he wasn’t contracting STDs from the women he was sleeping with.

Trump now reassures the American people that his proven microbe-avoiding abilities will protect them from the spread of Covid-19, which was anyway a Chinese hoax like climate change. America should invest in his Great Wall instead of fake science like public health.

Trump compared his appointment of Vice President Pence as Covid-19 coordinator to his use of condoms during this promiscuous period of his career.

This has earned the Vice President the nickname Preservative Pence, which has begun to replace his previous nickname Public-Health-Prayer Pence.

In the Khashoggi dismemberment scandal, the Trump Administration had also demonstrated a seesaw commitment to public health.
posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, October 11, 2019

Taking Trumpisms to their Illogical Conclusions

I. The "it happens" holocaust

Unprecedented Trump commenting on a fatal road accident caused by the wife of an American intelligence operative in the UK:

“You know those are the opposite roads, that happens,” he said. “I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did. When you get used to driving on our system, and then you’re all of a sudden on the other system when you’re driving, it happens.”

Trump before the Pearly Gates, explaining to Saint Peter how he accidentally extinguished humanity in a nuclear holocaust:

"You know those buttons on the nuclear football are sometimes opposite. I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did. When you get used to pussy grabbing on one system, and then you’re all of a sudden on the other system when you’re grabbing, it happens.”

II. The Dolchstoßlegende (stab-in-the-back legend) à l'americaine

Trump press conference on why he is abandoning Kurdish allies to a Turkish offensive in Syria:

"Now the Kurds are fighting for their land, just so you understand," Trump said when asked if abandoning the Kurds would make it more difficult for the US to gain allies in the future. "As somebody wrote in a very very powerful article today, they didn't help us in the Second World War, they didn't help us with Normandy," Trump said, likely referring to an article posted on the right-wing website Townhall.

Trump press conference on why he is abandoning Germany and Japan to Russian and Chinese offensives:

"Now the Germans and the Japanese are fighting for their land, just so you understand," Trump said when asked if abandoning long-standing NATO and U.S.-Japan Mutual Security Treaties would make it more difficult for the US to gain allies in the future. "As somebody wrote in a very very powerful article today, they didn't help us in the Second World War, they didn't help us with Normandy," Trump said, likely referring to an article posted on the right-wing website Townhall.
posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, July 22, 2019

Henry Kissinger, in riposte to Trump, announces he will go back to Germany

Henry Kissinger (aka Heinz Alfred Kissinger) fled Nazi Germany in 1938 and was naturalized as a US citizen in 1943 while serving in the US Army. Despite failing to lose his heavy German accent, he had a successful career as Harvard professor, National Security Advisor and Secretary of State in his adopted country.

CIB breaking fake news, New York-- In response to Unprecedented Donald Trump's call for four Democratic congresswomen to "go back" to their countries of origin, elder statesman Henry Kissinger has just announced that he will permanently resettle in his native Germany.

Kissinger stated that while he and his family fled Germany in 1938 to escape fascism, he has no desire to continue living in a country that is now subject to reality-TV fascism.

"I prefer the genuine article," Kissinger told our correspondent. "If it's our fate to go back through this shithole, I'd rather spend my last years with the masters rather than the apprentices. The rise of Germany's Alternative für Deutschland and the end of the postwar "Schuldkult" should prove exciting."

Saturday, March 2, 2019

The Son He Wished He’d Had (Profiles in Parental Courage Part 2)

The son he has (Michael Cohen: “Mr. Trump had frequently told me and others that his son Don Jr. had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.”) Image: Greg Nash/The Hill

The son he wished he’d had (Trump on Kim Jong Un: “I was really being tough and so was he. And we would go back and forth. And then we fell in love. No really. He wrote me beautiful letters. They were great letters. And then we fell in love.") Image: Doug Mills/The New York Times

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Mexican President AMLO to Trump: Mr President, let us pay for your Wall!

US Precedent Donald Trump speaks while participating in a tour of border wall prototypes.
Kevin Lamarque | Reuters

Mexican President AMLO demonstrating his willingness to finance the Wall for the dysfunctional US government. EPA

CIB Breaking Surreal News, Mexico City| Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador (AMLO) announced today that in the interests of restoring border security his country would be willing to finance US Unprecedent Trump's campaign promise to build a wall on their countries' mutual border.

In a televised address to the Mexican nation, AMLO stated that since the US government shutdown on this issue, "automatic weapons, drugs, and white supremacy terrorists have been flowing unrestrained over the border from the US into Mexico."

"Anything would be better than the present anarchy," he went on to say, "concrete, steel slats, beaded curtains, voodoo dolls!"

The only proviso is that Unprecedented Trump first release his tax returns, Trump's other unfulfilled campaign promise.

"Only Trump's tax returns and the Mueller investigation can reveal whether the US can be trusted to use Mexican funds properly to actually build the Wall rather than enrich the ruling clique's cronies and their foreign backers," AMLO stated.

Mexican law prohibits foreign aid to underdeveloped countries with inadequate financial transparency, high-level corruption, and foreign interference in elections.

The US Border Patrol has determined that a chain of Voodoo Dolls, rather than concrete, steel slats, or beaded curtains, would be the most cost effective Wall to deter illegal border crossings into the US.

posted from Bloggeroid