CIB plausible mashup news, Washington DC, April 23, 2025
Speculation about whether President Trump (aka “Krasnov”) will dismiss Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was put to rest after it became known today that masked ICE agents apprehended Hegseth as he left his office in the Pentagon and drove him in a tinted black van to a waiting aircraft at Ronald Reagan National Airport for deportation to a high-security prison in El Salvador.
President Trump, in a hastily convened press conference, asserted that a closer examination of Hegseth’s numerous tattoos revealed that several incriminated him as a member of terrorist organizations.
Recently revealed tattoos on Hegseth’s arm finally broke the camel’s back. Yahoo!News |
Trump presenting the incriminating closeup that led to Hegseth’s immediate deportation under the Enemy Domestics Act, first invoked in 1798 to get rid of President John Adams’ French cook. TruthSocial |
Trump denied that Hegseth’s repeated use of Signal chat groups to transmit classified military information, including to his wife, brother and lawyer, was the grounds for his dismissal and deportation.
Trump said that if unauthorized use of Signal chat groups were grounds for dismissal and deportation, half of his administration would already be in jail in El Salvador.
Instead, he claimed that Hegseth’s deportation proves that ICE is being completely evenhanded in its treatment of MS-13 members with tattoos on their hands, regardless of whether it is the left or the right hand.
“We deported Kilmer Abrego Garcia, a complete nobody, without due process. We can deport the Secretary of Defense too, if it seizes my whim. No one is safe—homegrown white supremacists, undocumented immigrants, what have you,” Trump asserted. “Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-da-day,” Trump then sang to the intimidated amusement of the press core.
“Due process is hugely overrated. The Supreme Court can huff and puff as much as they want. Garcia is gone, Hegseth is gone, they’re outside US jurisdiction now and I’m not bringing them back like I did the Tate brothers!”
“I’d claim to be an equal-opportunity autocrat but that would smack of DEI!”, Trump quipped in closing the press conference.