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Saturday, February 29, 2020

The Very Stable Genius Touts His Microbe Avoiding Abilities

CIB Breaking Pandemonium News--Under attack for downplaying the threat from the incipient Covid-19 pandemic, Unprecedented Trump lashed out at Democrats for supposedly weaponizing the disease for political gain.

Trump reminded the American people of his unpresidented record in avoiding sexually transmissible diseases (STDs) during the Vietnam War.

In a 1997 interview with shock jock host Howard Stern, Trump boasted

“It’s amazing, I can’t even believe it. I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It’s like Vietnam, sort of. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider,” Trump said in the interview when Howard Stern asked how he handled making sure he wasn’t contracting STDs from the women he was sleeping with.

Trump now reassures the American people that his proven microbe-avoiding abilities will protect them from the spread of Covid-19, which was anyway a Chinese hoax like climate change. America should invest in his Great Wall instead of fake science like public health.

Trump compared his appointment of Vice President Pence as Covid-19 coordinator to his use of condoms during this promiscuous period of his career.

This has earned the Vice President the nickname Preservative Pence, which has begun to replace his previous nickname Public-Health-Prayer Pence.

In the Khashoggi dismemberment scandal, the Trump Administration had also demonstrated a seesaw commitment to public health.
posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, October 11, 2019

Taking Trumpisms to their Illogical Conclusions

I. The "it happens" holocaust


Unprecedented Trump commenting on a fatal road accident caused by the wife of an American intelligence operative in the UK:

“You know those are the opposite roads, that happens,” he said. “I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did. When you get used to driving on our system, and then you’re all of a sudden on the other system when you’re driving, it happens.”

Trump before the Pearly Gates, explaining to Saint Peter how he accidentally extinguished humanity in a nuclear holocaust:

"You know those buttons on the nuclear football are sometimes opposite. I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did. When you get used to pussy grabbing on one system, and then you’re all of a sudden on the other system when you’re grabbing, it happens.”

II. The Dolchstoßlegende (stab-in-the-back legend) à l'americaine


Trump press conference on why he is abandoning Kurdish allies to a Turkish offensive in Syria:

"Now the Kurds are fighting for their land, just so you understand," Trump said when asked if abandoning the Kurds would make it more difficult for the US to gain allies in the future. "As somebody wrote in a very very powerful article today, they didn't help us in the Second World War, they didn't help us with Normandy," Trump said, likely referring to an article posted on the right-wing website Townhall.

Trump press conference on why he is abandoning Germany and Japan to Russian and Chinese offensives:

"Now the Germans and the Japanese are fighting for their land, just so you understand," Trump said when asked if abandoning long-standing NATO and U.S.-Japan Mutual Security Treaties would make it more difficult for the US to gain allies in the future. "As somebody wrote in a very very powerful article today, they didn't help us in the Second World War, they didn't help us with Normandy," Trump said, likely referring to an article posted on the right-wing website Townhall.
posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, July 22, 2019

Henry Kissinger, in riposte to Trump, announces he will go back to Germany

Henry Kissinger (aka Heinz Alfred Kissinger) fled Nazi Germany in 1938 and was naturalized as a US citizen in 1943 while serving in the US Army. Despite failing to lose his heavy German accent, he had a successful career as Harvard professor, National Security Advisor and Secretary of State in his adopted country.

CIB breaking fake news, New York-- In response to Unprecedented Donald Trump's call for four Democratic congresswomen to "go back" to their countries of origin, elder statesman Henry Kissinger has just announced that he will permanently resettle in his native Germany.

Kissinger stated that while he and his family fled Germany in 1938 to escape fascism, he has no desire to continue living in a country that is now subject to reality-TV fascism.

"I prefer the genuine article," Kissinger told our correspondent. "If it's our fate to go back through this shithole, I'd rather spend my last years with the masters rather than the apprentices. The rise of Germany's Alternative für Deutschland and the end of the postwar "Schuldkult" should prove exciting."

Saturday, March 2, 2019

The Son He Wished He’d Had (Profiles in Parental Courage Part 2)


The son he has (Michael Cohen: “Mr. Trump had frequently told me and others that his son Don Jr. had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.”) Image: Greg Nash/The Hill


The son he wished he’d had (Trump on Kim Jong Un: “I was really being tough and so was he. And we would go back and forth. And then we fell in love. No really. He wrote me beautiful letters. They were great letters. And then we fell in love.") Image: Doug Mills/The New York Times

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Mexican President AMLO to Trump: Mr President, let us pay for your Wall!


US Precedent Donald Trump speaks while participating in a tour of border wall prototypes.
Kevin Lamarque | Reuters


Mexican President AMLO demonstrating his willingness to finance the Wall for the dysfunctional US government. EPA

CIB Breaking Surreal News, Mexico City| Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador (AMLO) announced today that in the interests of restoring border security his country would be willing to finance US Unprecedent Trump's campaign promise to build a wall on their countries' mutual border.

In a televised address to the Mexican nation, AMLO stated that since the US government shutdown on this issue, "automatic weapons, drugs, and white supremacy terrorists have been flowing unrestrained over the border from the US into Mexico."

"Anything would be better than the present anarchy," he went on to say, "concrete, steel slats, beaded curtains, voodoo dolls!"

The only proviso is that Unprecedented Trump first release his tax returns, Trump's other unfulfilled campaign promise.

"Only Trump's tax returns and the Mueller investigation can reveal whether the US can be trusted to use Mexican funds properly to actually build the Wall rather than enrich the ruling clique's cronies and their foreign backers," AMLO stated.

Mexican law prohibits foreign aid to underdeveloped countries with inadequate financial transparency, high-level corruption, and foreign interference in elections.


The US Border Patrol has determined that a chain of Voodoo Dolls, rather than concrete, steel slats, or beaded curtains, would be the most cost effective Wall to deter illegal border crossings into the US.


posted from Bloggeroid

Saturday, December 22, 2018

Yuletide Gift Giving in the Trump White House


Chris McGrath/Getty Images via Business Insider

“Trump is God’s gift that keeps on giving,” said Vladimir Frolov, a Russian columnist and foreign affairs analyst. “Trump implements Russia’s negative agenda by default, undermining the U.S.–led world order, U.S. alliances, U.S. credibility as a partner and an ally. All of this on his own. Russia can just relax and watch and root for Trump, which Putin does at every TV appearance.”
New York Times Dec. 21, 2018 "Glee in Russia Over Trump’s Foreign Policy Largess"


Russia's asset that keeps on giving: President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump in their official Christmas portrait on Dec. 15, 2018, in the Cross Hall of the White House. White House Photo by Andrea Hanks
posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, November 9, 2018

White House threatens more "doctoring" of CNN's Jim Acosta


(Photo: Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)

Washington, DC (CIB Breaking Satanic News)--After being accused of spreading an Infowars doctored video of the tussle between CNN White House reporter Jim Acosta and Deputy Press Entrapment (aka "intern") Jailbait Lindsay Walters, White House Press Secretary Sanders unequivocally started that

If there's any doctoring of journalists to be done around here, we reach for our bone saws, not Photoshop.
What's good for Khashoggi is good for the country. Make America Lame Again!
posted from Bloggeroid