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Sunday, July 15, 2018

Trump to Pardon Benedict Arnold on Eve of Putin Summit (Breaking CIB Fake News!)



Revolutionary General Benedict Arnold (left) in American uniform before his treason, and his handler Major John André (right), British General Henry Clinton's spy chief. While Arnold escaped to live on in Britain and Canada, André was captured by General Washington’s forces, tried as a common spy, and hanged for his role in the plot.

Helsinki, CIB correspondents--Unpresidented Donald Trump is planning to issue a posthumous presidential pardon to American Revolutionary War General Benedict Arnold, who, after distinguished service in Washington’s army, had conspired with British Army spymaster Major John André to deliver the West Point fortifications to the British.

Trump is using the occasion of his first one-on-one summit tomorrow with Russian Federation President and former KGB spymaster Lt. Colonel Vladimir Putin to make this unprecedented historical announcement.

According to Trump, Arnold has  gotten a bum rap in American history, much like his former National Security Adviser Lt. General Michael Flynn, for lying about his meetings with the Russian ambassador.

“General Arnold was a wonderful man,” Trump told aids. “I think he has been treated very, very unfairly by history, as I call it, the fake media in many cases. And I think it is really a sad thing that he was treated so badly.”

“This man [Arnold] served for many years, he was a general. He was a — in my opinion — a very good person.”

Trump went on to say that the American Revolution was a complicated affair. There were the revolutionaries, the British, but also the Loyalists or Tories, he recently found out. Trump compared the American Revolution with the 2017 demonstrations in Charlottesville. “You also had some very fine people on both sides.”

The alt-Revolution is not over, he claimed. “We’ll see how it works out.”

Trump is planning to present Putin with a rare original print of the 1780 fortifications at West Point. He had originally intended to give Putin the US’s latest plans for cyber security defence, as he had promised on July 9, 2017, but the Deep State again intervened.


1780 French plans of West Point fortifications, such as was found secreted in Major André’s clothing when he was caught by Revolutionary soldiers while trying to return to British-held New York City (Source: Wikimedia).

DHS cyber security glimpse 

A glimpse of the US Dept. of Homeland Security’s latest cyber security plans (left), which Trump had originally intended to give Putin on a USB stick written with the same invisible ink Benedict Arnold and his wife Peggy Shippen used to communicate with the British (right).

When Trump returns to Washington, the CIB has also learned, instead of replacing his favourite president, Andrew Jackson, on the twenty dollar bill, with Harriet Tubman, he will propose that Benedict Arnold replace Benjamin Franklin on the one hundred dollar bill.

“Franklin was a believer in fake science, crazy stuff like lightening rods,” Trump told Treasury Secretary Mnuchin. And some conspiracy theory called the “Enlightenment”. “He was also prejudiced against Germans and Swedes, thought they came from swarthy shithole countries, and didn’t want to let them into the country.” Trump has at different times claimed that his paternal ancestors derived from Sweden or Germany.

Andrew Jackson (top) on present twenty dollar bill, with proposed replacement by abolitionist Harriet Tubman (bottom). The Trump administration has put this “politically correct” decision on hold.


Arnold on USD100

Present hundred dollar bill with “racist and fake” founding father scientist Benjamin Franklin (top), and proposed Trump administration replacement with “badly treated” revolutionary traitor General Benedict Arnold (bottom).

“This way, we get to keep both America’s favourite white supremacist and ethnic cleanser and its favourite traitor, while getting rid of racist fake scientists and feminist abolitionists,” Trump reportedly told Treasury Secretary Mnuchin.

Trump intends to warn Putin, however, that if he is found on American soil with the West Point print on his person, he might well suffer the same fate at the hands of fanatical deep state revolutionaries as Major John André.

“I fired FBI director James Comey for ‘that Russian thing’, forced out top FBI counterespionage agent Peter Strzok and FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, but I can’t guarantee that there aren’t three ‘patriots’ still left at the FBI after the purge who would seize Putin just like three revolutionary soldiers did poor Major André in 1780. It’s hard to purge them all when Sessions has recused himself at Justice!”

In that event, however, Trump is prepared to promise Putin as worthy a memorial on Capitol Hill as the British gave Major André in Westminster Abbey.

Major John André monument Westminster Abbey

Monument erected to Major John André in Westminster Abbey by “Mad King” George III in 1782. The inscription highlights that André was “universally Beloved and esteemed by the Army in which he served and lamented even by his FOES.” “Mad President” Donald III has promised to erect a comparably splendid memorial to Lt. Col. Vladimir Putin should a similar fate befall him on American soil, or for that matter anywhere else due to Polonium 210, VX, or Novichok poisoning.

On a more pleasant note, the CIB has learned that Trump favourite daughter Ivanka Trump plans a new retro-fashion Americana line inspired by Benedict Arnold’s wife Peggy Shippen.

Image result for ivanka trump fashion line  Peggy-Shipped_cropped

First Daughter Ivanka Trump, modelling her new frilly pink fashion line (left), plans to incorporate inspirations from a true daughter of the American Revolution, Peggy Shippen (right), West Point co-conspirator with her husband Benedict Arnold.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Kudlow has Pauline conversion about protectionism (Apocryphal Gospel News 12:3)

Trump economic advisers Larry Kudlow (top) and Peter Navarro (bottom) have been having their Pauline moment on the road from the G7 in Charlevoix

After beating North Korean cannons into condos at the Singapore summit, other members of the Trump administration have also been getting religion. Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been citing the Bible to justify separating children from their incarcerated immigrant parents.

Now top White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow has had a Pauline conversion epiphany after being released from Walter Reed Hospital for a mild heart attack. "If Canada imposes 270% tariffs on American dairy imports, yet the US exports five times as much dairy as it imports from Canada, then, counterintuitively, absurdly high foreign tariffs are the key to restoring an American trade surplus." Kudlow was previously known as a fervent free trader.

"It's just like the Laffer Curve, which counterintuitively claims that lowering taxes more than pays for itself by disproportionately stimulating economic growth."

"If we could only get America's trade partners to impose 270% duties on all American imports, we'd be exporting five times as much to them as we import, just like with dairy exports to Canada," he now claims. "That I didn't see this before must be due to my old cocaine addiction," he added ruefully.

Fellow Trump trade guru Peter Navarro was dumbfounded when confronted with this argument.

"You mean, instead of imposing 25% punitive duties on Chinese imports, we should get them to levy 270% on our exports?", Navarro asked Kudlow, incredulously.

"Exactly," Kudlow replied. "It's Jesus's message, its in the Gospels, even the fake ones. Turn the other cheek, render under Cesar, the last will be the first, a Saudi camel will pass through the eye of a needle before Jared Kushner!"

In contrast, before his heart attack, Kudlow had attacked Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as “polarizing” and “really kind of stabbed us in the back.” The Canadian leader pulled a “sophomoric political stunt for domestic consumption,” Kudlow said, that amounted to “a betrayal.”

Navarro had been even harsher:

“There’s a special place in hell for any foreign leader that engages in bad faith diplomacy with President Donald J. Trump and then tries to stab him in the back on the way out the door.”

Kudlow confessed "I had to have a heart attack to see how unchristianly I had behaved, but now I have seen the light. The Laffer Curve was trivial in comparison. Only took a few lines of cocaine," he stated, like a true redeemed sinner.

Kudlow and his family have a history of sudden volte-faces and conversions. His Polish-Jewish great grandfather and garment factory owner Samuel Kudlowitz was reportedly murdered in the 1905 Russian revolution, either in a pogrom or by his own workers, leading the family to precipitously emigrate to the US. He resigned from Bear Stearns in 1994 because of his cocaine addiction, which also got him fired from the conservative National Review a year later. In 1997 he was baptized by an Opus Dei Catholic priest.

In that 2000 interview Kudlow stated "My view is that Jesus has given me my life back. I have a feeling that at the right moment, God will give me that thought and express it publicly…."

This now seems to have happened with his Pauline epiphany about high tariffs and the balance of trade.
posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, June 11, 2018

G7 Trade Lessons

Angela Merkel lectures Donald Trump on international trade at the G7 summit: "Maybe America wouldn't run such large trade deficits with the rest of the world if Americans would get off their fat asses occasionally."

Friday, June 1, 2018

Trump trade war toying with national security? Breaking fake news

"With the US exporting less than $200m of such goods to China, toys were about 7 per cent of the $375bn trade deficit between the two countries last year."

"The US last year imported more than $25bn of toys, games and sports equipment from China."

Source: China: being a toy making powerhouse is no longer child’s play (

After flirting with a trade war with China and American allies Japan, South Korea, Canada, Mexico and the European Union ("a trade war is easy to win") over steel, aluminum, cars, smartphones and intellectual property, Trump the Unprecedented has finally imposed punitive tariffs on aluminum and steel imports. Trump declared trade war on the world, starting with America's key allies, a soft target, and leaving the tough nuts to crack like China for later.

However, these tariffs are expected to provoke retaliatory tariffs targeted specifically at Trump's electoral base, thus magnifying the economic pain. And the invocation of national security grounds has only elicited general mirth among America's trading partners.

In desperation, Trump's trade advisors have now stumbled upon the philosopher's stone of global commerce: toys!

"Toys are the key to America's trade deficit with China," Trump told a meeting of the American Chamber of Commerce.

"Forget high-tech, heavy industry, Detroit cars. Toys are what made America great, and toys will make America great again!"

To reverse the gargantuan toy trade deficit, the Trump administration plans to declare toys essential to national security.

"We can no longer tolerate American children playing with Chinese-made GI Joes. This is an incomparable symbol of our willingness to serve and of our macho, pussy-grabbing, locker-room culture. Outsourcing them to China is worse than pacifism, it's defeatism."

After the unseemly squabbles inside Trump's trade team, the administration has finally come together on the toy issue.

Trade hawk Pete Navarro boasted that "after repatriating GI Joe, we'll bring back Barbie too!"

While the classic American toy GI Joe is the cornerstone of America's traditional macho fighting spirit, Pentagon sources disclosed that the Barbie Princess Power Super Sparkle superhero doll is a more accurate indicator of their latest strategic thinking after #MeToo. Bringing toy production back to American shores is a precondition of Trump's Making America 1929 Again isolationist philosophy.
posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Profiles in Courage (Fake News Edition)

Precedent Trump stated he believed he would have exhibited bravery by rushing in to defend the students during the Parkland school shooting “even if I didn’t have a weapon", if his bone spurs had not prevented him.

"Because of his bone spurs," his spokeswoman Sanders explained, "his personal physician advised him to spend the day playing golf instead."

In other news, Trump praised officials of the National Right Rifle Association opposed to gun control as "good people" every bit like the Neonazis in Charlottesville whose torchlight march resulted in the death of an innocent protester.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Profiles in Courage (Fake News Edition)

Precedent Trump stated he believed he would have exhibited bravery by rushing in to defend the students during the Parkland school shooting “even if I didn’t have a weapon", if his bone spurs had not prevented him.

"Because of his bone spurs," his spokeswoman Sanders explained, he unfortunately had to spend the day playing golf.

In other news, Trump praised officials of the National Right Association opposed to gun control as "good people" every bit like the Neonazis in Charlottesville whose torchlight march resulted in the death of an innocent protester.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Joint Chiefs Depose Precedent Trump After He Orders Them to Nuke Rochester, NY. Gen. Dunford: “This was an alternative fact too far.” CIB Breaking Fake News!

Gen Dunford_Boston Globe
Gen. Joseph F. Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, testifying before an emergency session of the Senate Armed Services Committee today. Image: CHIP SOMODEVILLA/GETTY IMAGES
CIB Breaking Fake News, Washington, DC—In a dramatic development, Gen. Joseph F. Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, testified before an emergency session of the Senate Armed Services Committee this morning to explain why the Pentagon deposed Precedent Donald Trump last night.
Gen. Dunford said that among a manic flurry of unpresidented executive orders issued by Precedent Trump recently was one immediately ordering the U.S. Air Force to launch a nuclear attack on Rochester, NY to “eradicate completely from the face of the earth the 3-5 million undocumented ISIS immigrants who had fraudulently voted for Hillary Clinton and were seen celebrating in the streets on election night.”
Dunford explained that, while the Pentagon had been getting inured to the Trump administration’s fast and loose relationship with reality, “this was an alternative fact too far.” He and the other joint chiefs felt bound by their oaths to the Constitution to disobey the order and “put America first.”
In an emotional outburst, Gen. Dunford exclaimed: “The carnage stops here! We were compelled to depose Trump before he crossed the Genesee.”
Gen. Dunlop said that the military and intelligence communities had long been aware of the Precedent’s congenital Alliterative Memory Disorder. But as with Franklin D. Roosevelt’s polio disability, they were confident they could work around these limitations and conceal them from the American public.
The Chiefs did become alarmed, however, when Precedent Trump openly boasted that he was a Russian intelligence “asset” at his unpresidented press conference.
“Alarm bells started ringing,” Gen. Dunford said. “We’ve had our fair share of foreign moles in the government before, but none until now had risen to the presidency. It was unpresidented!”
Gen. Dunford explained that Pentagon analysts had concluded that Trump had ordered the attack on Rochester, NY, because of the homophonic similarity of the town’s name with Raqqa, Syria, the capital of ISIS-controlled territory in the middle east.
“We couldn’t sacrifice thousands of innocent American lives to the cognitive incapability of the Precedent,” Gen. Dunford continued. “While Trump had come to office on an anachronistic but constitutionally legitimate fluke, the Constitution also mandates that we finally take action.”
While Gen. Dunford admitted that it was unpresidented for the American military to seize power, the general assured senators that power would be returned to civilian government as soon as Congress appointed an interim administration.
Gen. Dunford wrapped up the emergency session by only disclosing that Precedent Trump and a “small number of his closest cronies” were being detained at a secret black site until a military commission was constituted to bring treason charges against them.
400px-Rochester_aerial_aug_17_2007 640px-The_vital_bridge_at_Arnhem_after_the_British_paratroops_had_been_driven_back
Rochester, NY, left, was narrowly spared carnage by the prompt action of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to depose Precedent Trump last night before he could launch a nuclear attack on it. Right: Destruction at Arnhem, The Netherlands, during World War II, was also due to faulty ‘intelligence’ and was the subject of the 1977 movie A Bridge Too Far. Images: Wikimedia