Trump Administration Announces Draconian Sanctions against Saudi Arabia for Khashoggi Dismemberment

Washington, DC (CIB Breaking Surreal News)—White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be announcing draconian sanctions against Saudi Arabia for the alleged murder and dismemberment of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi in Istanbul.
The Trump administration will impose an across-the-operating-table prohibition of exports of US bone saws and other surgical instruments, starting with the Civil-War-Era collection depicted below.

Cutting-edge Civil-War surgical instruments still represent a significant part of US high-tech exports to the developing world. (Image Source: Arbittier Museum of Medical History American Civil War Surgical Antiques)

Presidential First-Son-In-Law Jared Kushner, in his recent press conference, advised his bosom friend Crone Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) to stick to “transparently more deniable” assassination methods like Novichok, Polonium or VX poisonings in the future when dealing with undesirable elements. “All of our other admired authoritarians have gotten away with it, so the Saudis should “bone up” on their tradecraft,” he said.

At a midterm election rally in Milwaukee, Unprecidented Trump said that he will prohibit imports of Chinese surgical instruments and “Make America Lame Again” using domestic Civil-War-Era medical technology. So-called “scientific medicine” is responsible for the rise of autism, he claimed, and urged a return to the miasma theory of disease that decimated “many fine soldiers” on both sides of the Civil War.

Trump promises to return American medicine to its traditional values to “Make America Lame Again.” (Image Source: U.S. National Library of Medicine)

In a closing note, White House Press Secretary Sanders said that a humanitarian exception to the export sanctions might be made to enable MSB to treat his bone spurs, a crippling ailment afflicting many world leaders.