Gen. Joseph F. Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, testifying before an emergency session of the Senate Armed Services Committee today. Image: CHIP SOMODEVILLA/GETTY IMAGES
CIB Breaking Fake News, Washington, DC—In a dramatic development, Gen. Joseph F. Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, testified before an emergency session of the Senate Armed Services Committee this morning to explain why the Pentagon deposed Precedent Donald Trump last night.
Gen. Dunford said that among a manic flurry of unpresidented executive orders issued by Precedent Trump recently was one immediately ordering the U.S. Air Force to launch a nuclear attack on Rochester, NY to “eradicate completely from the face of the earth the 3-5 million undocumented ISIS immigrants who had fraudulently voted for Hillary Clinton and were seen celebrating in the streets on election night.”
Dunford explained that, while the Pentagon had been getting inured to the Trump administration’s fast and loose relationship with reality, “this was an alternative fact too far.” He and the other joint chiefs felt bound by their oaths to the Constitution to disobey the order and “put America first.”
In an emotional outburst, Gen. Dunford exclaimed: “The carnage stops here! We were compelled to depose Trump before he crossed the Genesee.”
Gen. Dunlop said that the military and intelligence communities had long been aware of the Precedent’s congenital Alliterative Memory Disorder. But as with Franklin D. Roosevelt’s polio disability, they were confident they could work around these limitations and conceal them from the American public.
The Chiefs did become alarmed, however, when Precedent Trump openly boasted that he was a Russian intelligence “asset” at his unpresidented press conference.
“Alarm bells started ringing,” Gen. Dunford said. “We’ve had our fair share of foreign moles in the government before, but none until now had risen to the presidency. It was unpresidented!”
Gen. Dunford explained that Pentagon analysts had concluded that Trump had ordered the attack on Rochester, NY, because of the homophonic similarity of the town’s name with Raqqa, Syria, the capital of ISIS-controlled territory in the middle east.
“We couldn’t sacrifice thousands of innocent American lives to the cognitive incapability of the Precedent,” Gen. Dunford continued. “While Trump had come to office on an anachronistic but constitutionally legitimate fluke, the Constitution also mandates that we finally take action.”
While Gen. Dunford admitted that it was unpresidented for the American military to seize power, the general assured senators that power would be returned to civilian government as soon as Congress appointed an interim administration.
Gen. Dunford wrapped up the emergency session by only disclosing that Precedent Trump and a “small number of his closest cronies” were being detained at a secret black site until a military commission was constituted to bring treason charges against them.
Rochester, NY, left, was narrowly spared carnage by the prompt action of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to depose Precedent Trump last night before he could launch a nuclear attack on it. Right: Destruction at Arnhem, The Netherlands, during World War II, was also due to faulty ‘intelligence’ and was the subject of the 1977 movie A Bridge Too Far. Images: Wikimedia