ORLANDO, Fla. - The Creditanstalt Information Bureau has obtained an exclusive advance teleprompter copy of presumptive Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump’s forthcoming, definitively presidential address on Terrorism and National Security.
In Manchester, New Hampshire on June 13, Donald Trump (right) pointed out he had correctly predicted after the May 28 rampage of radical silverback gorilla Harambe (left) in Cincinnati that yesterday’s tragedy in Orlando would happen (all the more remarkable since it had not yet happened at the time of the speech). Photo left: Handout/Reuters via The Guardian; right: AFP/Getty via Politico
Triggered by the recent carnage in Orlando, Florida, Trump modestly played down congratulations for the accuracy of his predictions from his many supporters. But he reiterated his yuuuge prescience after a 17-year-old, 400lb adult male silverback lowland gorilla named Harambe grabbed hold of an American child at the Cincinnati zoo and had to be shot by zookeepers on May 28. Right after that event he tweeted:
This will happen again! American children are not safe as long as wild animals are allowed to enter the country. I'd bring back a hell of a lot worse than shooting.
And, indeed, radical wild animals soon struck again, this time in Orlando, Florida, where an alligator dragged a two-year-old child into a lagoon at the Disney Grand Floridian Hotel yesterday.
Trump immediately tweeted:
I predicted this would happen on May 28, but FBI alligator trappers have had their hands tied by the animal rights politically correct Obama administration. He won’t even say “radical animalistic terrorism”! He doesn’t get it, or he gets it better than anybody understands.
Trump asserts in his speech that it can hardly be a coincidence that the silverback gorilla, the alligator, and Obama all come from Africa, although the reviled “mainstream press” has repeatedly pointed out that all three were demonstrably born in the United States, and that alligators are not even native to Africa.
He goes on to say that “as long as we don’t know what is going on, as president I will ban the entry of all wild animals into the United States. We can't afford to be politically correct anymore.”
To forestall criticism that this is a form of animal racism, Trump points out that he employs hundreds of “domesticated animals” at his Mar-a-Lago private club in Palm Beach, Florida. But the club has had a long-standing policy against employing alligators, gorillas, or indeed any other wild animals from outside the Judeo-Christian tradition.
To underscore his doubts about the loyalty of the present administration, Trump closes his speech by not only doubling down on his claim to have seen Arabs celebrating in the streets of Jersey City after 7/11. He now claims that he also saw Barack and Michelle Obama celebrating with crowds at a rooftop party.
Additional reporting was contributed by CIB staffers George Orwell in London and Jonathan Swift in Dublin.