Pete Hegseth deported from US after tattoos reveal him to be member of MS-13 gang

CIB plausible mashup news, Washington DC, April 23, 2025

Speculation about whether President Trump (aka “Krasnov”) will dismiss Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was put to rest after it became known today that masked ICE agents apprehended Hegseth as he left his office in the Pentagon and drove him in a tinted black van to a waiting aircraft at Ronald Reagan National Airport for deportation to a high-security prison in El Salvador.

President Trump, in a hastily convened press conference, asserted that a closer examination of Hegseth’s numerous tattoos revealed that several incriminated him as a member of terrorist organizations.

Recently revealed tattoos on Hegseth’s arm finally broke the camel’s back. Yahoo!News

Trump presenting the incriminating closeup that led to Hegseth’s immediate deportation under the Enemy Domestics Act, first invoked in 1798 to get rid of President John Adams’ French cook. TruthSocial

Trump denied that Hegseth’s repeated use of Signal chat groups to transmit classified military information, including to his wife, brother and lawyer, was the grounds for his dismissal and deportation.

Trump said that if unauthorized use of Signal chat groups were grounds for dismissal and deportation, half of his administration would already be in jail in El Salvador.

Instead, he claimed that Hegseth’s deportation proves that ICE is being completely evenhanded in its treatment of MS-13 members with tattoos on their hands, regardless of whether it is the left or the right hand.

“We deported Kilmer Abrego Garcia, a complete nobody, without due process. We can deport the Secretary of Defense too, if it seizes my whim. No one is safe—homegrown white supremacists, undocumented immigrants, what have you,” Trump asserted. “Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-da-day,” Trump then sang to the intimidated amusement of the press core.

“Due process is hugely overrated. The Supreme Court can huff and puff as much as they want. Garcia is gone, Hegseth is gone, they’re outside US jurisdiction now and I’m not bringing them back like I did the Tate brothers!”

“I’d claim to be an equal-opportunity autocrat but that would smack of DEI!”, Trump quipped in closing the press conference.

Fake Doctor Is Charged After ‘Liberation Day’ Butt Lift Surgery Leaves World Economy Near Death

CIB Exclusive Semifake Report, Washington, DC and New York, April 4, 2025

"Markets today are way down ... How's it going?" a reporter asked the president. 

”I think it's going very well," Trump responded. "It was an operation. I like when a patient gets operated on and it's a big thing. I said this would exactly be the way it is."(Source: ABC News)

Shortly thereafter, New York City police reported that the patient, apparently known as “The World Economy,” was taken to a hospital by emergency medical workers, where she was intubated, according to a criminal complaint filed today by the Queens district attorney. She had “no brain activity,” the complaint said, “and she is not likely to survive.”

The man, “Donald Trump,” aka “Krasnov,” aka “The President,” 78, tried to flee the United States after the woman became unresponsive, according to the report. Officers caught up with him at Kennedy Airport today, just hours after the operation, as he waited to board the first leg of a flight to Russia, the report said.

Mr. Trump appears to have been a busy, if unlicensed, cosmetic surgeon who also worked in New York City and Palm Beach, according to online records and advertisements. In Washington, DC, he performed procedures in a white house in a park lined with tall trees and well-kept gardens. On Thursday, an order to vacate was pasted to the door. Neighbors said they had seen a swarm of emergency vehicles arrive on the block on Friday morning but that they knew little about the man the police were seeking.

Residence of fake cosmetic surgeon, now abandoned and boarded up. (Photo Credit: NPS)